Dear Mr Right/(s)
You probably will never read this. It is remarkable how anonymity can give us the courage to voice our true feelings. So here – today and now, I will let you take a peek at the struggle within me.
When you jokingly suggested our future together, when you hinted at your crush on me or when you so openly wooed me-I was not naïve. Nor was I stupidly ignorant to your intentions and feelings. I never was. In fact, I was falling. For you. Hard.
I had to fight with myself to keep from responding back equally or perhaps with even more passion especially when every part of me screamed for the opposite. You will never know how hard it has been for me to stop myself from just running into your arms. You will never realize how it killed me to see what I always wanted right in front of me and having to refuse it, having to walk away. You will never know how hard it is to miss something I could have had but never did. You were right there, I just had to reach out.
I want to confess today, that I still hurt over what might have been. You won’t ever know. And I won’t ever tell. Trying to explain just complicates things. So, I stay away and steer clear because I am too scared to commit to something that has no future. I am too scared to lead you on when you have been hurt too. I wouldn’t want to be like the women in your past. I don’t want to be just another experience for you if we ever had a chance. I would want to be the one. The last one. I would want it forever and that is saying something because forever is a hell of a long time.
But there you are, in all your glory from a whole different world from mine. Alluring, tempting yet so unattainable. My heart still races when I think of you sometimes. I can’t stop myself from wishing and dreaming and hoping and believing all over again when I see you.
Unfortunately, fairy tales are not real. In the real world, not everyone gets their happy ending, not everyone finds their soul mate and those who do may not end up with them. Ever.
All these unsaid words well up inside of me, threatening to choke me. I can see it in your eyes that you know I want to say so much. I do. I want to shout out all the things that I bury deep within me. But it will only make me lose you as a friend. And I would rather have you as a friend for life than to get into something knowing full well we both won’t last, and then lose you forever.
There are people in your life who are there for just a while. You though, you never were the kind I wanted just for a while-I knew from the start if I ever had anything with you it would have to be everything. And I can’t have everything. I can’t have you.
So I am sorry for not saying yes. I am sorry for not confessing to you. I am sorry for being scared. I am sorry for not taking a chance. I only want to protect us. I hope you forgive me. I can’t even live with myself some days knowing what I am doing. Pushing you away when all I want is to get closer.
I know deep down that given a chance we would be great. I am truly sorry for not giving us that chance.
the one who “Friend zoned” you.
Are you really protecting me by keeping me in the dark? I know I do it too. But now that the tables turned, I feel hurt and angry and upset and a whole lot of other emotions. I wish I was closer to you so I could be there in person. You are too determined and strong-willed to admit to being vulnerable sometimes. I can see through though. I just wish I could hold you right now. I miss you. I miss you more than ever.
So often we see people walk away from love, and we wonder “why?”. Love was right there, within their reach and they choose to walk away, and we think that they must be insane. What very few realize is that these people are not walking away from love because they are afraid to love, it is because they are afraid of pain-of hurting another or being hurt themselves. So they are turn their backs on it, hoping that in doing so they protect their hearts. It is not how they always were but either past relationships or a bitter experience where their trust was broken makes them so.
Letting go of fear, learning to trust someone, loving someone with everything you are – these are huge steps. It comes easily to few, but to the ones who were hurt or are afraid of rejection, or any other reason, it is hard. Something so difficult that a person who has not been through the same might probably never be able to comprehend. Few may argue that it is immature to assume that every relationship will be like the ones in the past, but try telling a child once burnt that the fire can keep you warm too.
And no, it is not easy to turn a blind eye, it is probably even harder than taking a risk because in risks there is a chance of success while in walking away there is only pain and regret. But hopefully when the right person comes along, he/she will break down those walls built to keep people out and teach them to trust again. The one who will be worth the risk, the one they do not want to have regrets about even if it means being hurt. And until that one comes along, they will be hurt from relationships that never were or could be, from walking away, from not being able to let go of the fear, not being able to trust another to keep their heart intact.
So if you have love knocking at your door and you are afraid, I hope you find courage to let go of that grip that fear has on your heart and the courage to give love a chance. Because no matter how much you live in denial; love is beautiful.
Yeah..that is the mood I am in right now. Skipped work today, curled up in bed instead and I was doing fine but then out the blue, the blues hit. And the songs I have been listening to ain’t helping. I never understood why I intentionally get myself down. A part of me says “stop listening to those songs” or “thinking those thoughts” or “reading that book” or “watching that movie” but another part of me just wants to hurt me, get me so near tears. Not okay. On brighter side, so close to the weekend now. =)
This loath poisoning me, I want it gone. Before it destroys me, I want to destroy it. But I can’t see how I can forgive you for all the hurt (and I have tried). I can’t see how I can learn to live in peace with someone who did not care about me, who did not care that they were hurting me a little each day-everyday.
I don’t like the negative emotions flooding through me when I hear of you or from you. I know they shouldn’t because you mean nothing to me now. But they do, because it is hard to undo all that hurt you put me through, because each time your name comes up, it brings with it all the painful memories.
So stop pretending to be surprised that I am so indifferent to you now. You are nothing to me-a nobody-just another stranger. Do not expect me to give a fuck when you did not.
I don’t know if I will be able to face you again without keeping my dislike from showing. Will the meeting help me to finally forgive? Or will it make it worse? I don’t know. And maybe somewhere deep down, I am terrified to find out. Lest it makes this dislike turn to hate.
…candy, games, cupcakes, books and more!! That was what the weekend was- a blur of activity-it had been a while I did so MUCH on a weekend. It was fun, but gosh it was hectic. the brothers and I (finally) went to this “paint-your-own-ceramic-studio”, it was something different and they totally loved it (the youngest also ignored the pain in his pinky finger from earlier and was smiling and pouting in concentration again) but after an hour of painting we had enough so we went and got a bag of candy and then went to the gaming arcade, got lunch and came back home. Later that evening, as I was busy doing nothing, they were hyper as always, so I asked them to make paper boats. That kept them busy a while but after a dozen boats, we went into the bathroom, filled the tub up and got floating…and of course a water fight followed and mom had to pull us out. Worth it. =D
And the next day, the girlfriends and I went to a bookstore. Now, I know for most people it would be weird to meet up friends and go to a bookstore but it is quite normal for us. Since our previous haunt no longer exists, we went to a different one-but this was more diverse and had all these crafty things (picture three girls lost in a happy world in there). I had to curb myself from buying half the place. I only “needed” mod podge, but I gave in to buying glitter too. It was calling my name!! Begging me to take it home and rescue it from the shelves. Honest!
After, the bookstore jaunt met my school friends (yep, the ones who had called last weekend) and we went on a hunt for this breakfast and brunch place and trust me, guys are just as awful at this as they claim girls are. After almost an hour on the road, we pulled in at this place I suggested (cuz, we were starving and it was noon!). We had some awesome food, talked of school days and classmates and plans and stuff. We had a good time. It’s been more than five years I graduated from high school! I was a bit baffled when that realization hit me. Time kind of flew right by.
Anyways, unfortunately, all that left me exhausted and I had to
ditch postpone a plan to go berry-picking and hanging with friends, but I am looking forward to doing it next week. The highlight of the weekend was when I made the Orffles that I talked about earlier. Though the Oreo truffles were entirely my idea, I actually thought of working a bit more and also made “cupcakes filled with Oreo goodness”. I can’t entirely take the credit for that, even though I did not follow any particular recipe, I got the idea from a post by Christi from lovefromtheoven.com. I spent almost two and a half hours in the kitchen but it was worth it. Anything that requires too much effort is not my cup of tea (in terms of cooking, baking or DIY-ing). This was not hard though, it was just time consuming. I did not complain cuz keeping hands busy and mind occupied can be therapeutic.
I was actually in bed at 10:30 yesterday night and slept by midnight-that is not usual for me. But the sleep helped, I woke up feeling much more confident about facing the week. On a random note, I have noticed, I have been wearing a lot of my DIY’d stuff-my leather necklace, my lace jeans and my “dress-now-a-shirt” – all in the past three days. So proud of myself.
Oh and I was on a text marathon with someone yesterday and I couldn’t stop smiling. Some people just have that way of getting you all grinning and happy for no particular reason at all. Just thinking of it is making me smile again.
On another topic, I am kind of upset since four people I know are aware of the existence of one of the sites I frequent, I hate it when people know about my “secret sites” or “recipes”. I am selfish like that. Makes me feel too “usual” and the rebel in me does not want that. I like to think I am the only one (at least, within my circle of friends and acquaintances).
That aside, a senior colleague returned from vacation and was proudly showing off her sky diving pictures. I said in my head “that will be me someday”. Talking of colleagues, I want to strangle mine, they managed to hurt my laptop screen while playing a game of darts. *grrrr* My poor lappie
I always wonder, why do all my friends not miss me when I could do with someone missing me and when they miss me, it is all of them at once? And then I have not enough time to squash them all into the puny 2 days I get off work. And I do miss them all too! I just wish the weekend had more than 24 hours a day (just the weekend God, I don’t ask for all seven days).
Anyways, its late here and I should probably get to bed, tomorrow…Oh my! Tomorrow!! So there is a career fair tomorrow(I think I overused the word “tomorrow” but you get it), but it’s during work hours. What do I do?! *frown* Who keeps a career fair till 3:00 pm?! What about the people who are currently working and looking for jobs and can’t make it during those hours? Oh well, might pass on that and actually seriously work on my LinkedIn profile coming weekend. I have been saying that so long now, I really need a push. With that, I am pushing myself off from here. G’night.
PS-Two of my school friends are in a “serious” relationship (one of who I met up) I am so happy for them!
PPS-I’ve been listening to some seriously awesome songs today. Made the day less dreary.
That is not to say that crushes crush (a bit too dramatic for me), but they do have the power of making you smile silly or getting you upset-of deflating you. It is so annoying to try to pretend that you do not care but secretly hoping that you will hear from or see your crush. I hate that feeling of letting someone take over so much of my life when I probably don’t even exist in theirs. In my head, I think “Do you not see what you are losing?” (Yeah, modest aren’t I? )
But honestly, is it just me who actually hurts over things that never were? It is not that bad, but it kinda stings to know that you gave so much of your time, your thoughts and that you even bothered when you meant abso-fudgin-lutely nothing to that person. I am so grateful that I can keep a poker face, so even if my heart is going all crazy when so-called crush is near me, I can look quite normal. Actually, let me rephrase that, I can’t keep instantaneous emotions off my face but I can hide emotions that have built over time pretty well. For instance, I would be able to hide my feelings from someone I like about how I truly feel for them, but if someone takes me by surprise or gets me angry, my face will reflect the surprise or anger.
I got side-tracked there, getting back on track-I do not mind surrendering myself to someone I love and who loves me back but to give that power to someone who does not feel the same is pretty frustrating. That is not to say I do not like crushing. It is a pretty nice feeling to get that rush when you see them, the thrill, and the headiness of it all. But when a crush lasts more than a few weeks or months, it becomes more than just the butterflies in your tummy, the flush on your face and the slight smile on your lips when you see them.
When it makes you mad at yourself for making a fool of yourself and for getting all flustered over them, when it makes you want to run far far away from them just to get over the control they have over you; that is when it becomes so maddening. I guess all I am saying is that you have a time limit of a few weeks dear (future) crush, and you better pack and get yourself off my mind till then or I *will* kick you out.
It sure is not possible to miss something that was never yours but it is possible to hurt over something that could have been.